sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
