I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
