I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
