just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
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Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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