I think I died a long time ago.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Hippo gnu deer
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
