can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Randomize
