Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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