she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
