I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
