My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
