I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
