FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
