I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
