hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
