You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
you made out with another girl for some wings
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
