last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I deserve this hangover.
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