i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
