Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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