If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
