fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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