sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
