I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Randomize
