This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
