She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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