Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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