this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize