Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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