What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
