i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
