all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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