I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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