I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
