I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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