thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
