don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
