I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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