I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
