the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Randomize
