Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
