i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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