she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
