Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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