We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize
