p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
