Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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