I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
i came on her dog
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
