how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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