Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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