dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
