i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
