i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
