Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
