My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
