btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Randomize
