he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
