I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You are a genius and a whore.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
