heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
