2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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