So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
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